// Outside//

I’m sitting outside. This bright iPhone screen is blinding my eyes as the crickets and birds talk with the night. All I see are the small lights around my yard, the light reflecting off the pool’s surface. I’m so lost right now. I don’t know what to do. I’ve been sitting in this spot out on the portch for what feels like forever, gazing out into the black hole in my mind. I feel numb. Even the torn ACL in my knee has no feeling. The only feeling I have is hopelessness. I’m so alone. And while my dog brushes up against my leg, I’m thinking it’s foolish to post any of this. I need a friend. I need something; something to take me away from here.

// Just tell me I’m a wreck//

Guys. I have a confession to make. And regardless if anyone sees this or even cares to notice, I’m going to write anyway. I’m a nervous wreck. Like a time bomb ready to tick, I’m walking on a lit fuse. “But wait Kyle, I thought since you always have a smile on, you’re alright!” hey you? Shut up. You’re the same as me. I hide under this mask, under this fasade of a person who thinks they’re tough stuff. In reality, I’m a sensitive, lanky, goober whos only semi redeeming quality is his ability to play the guitar and sing at the same time. But even that leads me so far to another dead end. I write my songs and think they’re not good enough. I have the pressure of not only pleasing myself but other people as well. I want the claps, I want the smiles but somehow I don’t see them. I don’t feel them. I push them away, like a stray cat that wants to rub up against my leg. I like you, but I don’t want to toutch you. I’m afraid of what acceptance holds because it’s impossible to find. Once I have it, it slips away through my fingers and on to the ground in a million different pieces, ready to be stepped on. My dreams are paper shreds on the floor as my doubt sits in front of me, a present from the big man upstairs telling me “Here ya go. Another dosage of life for you. I made sure to give you an extra dose, the two one for one special!” it’s awful. It truly is. Why? We put up with nonsense and trials we shouldn’t have to. I’m paraphrasing for words that we all know exist but let them slip the tounge so easily. There is so much to rise above yet I’m stuck, six feet in the ground staring blankly at the stars and realize I’m so insignificant to the rest of the universe. Just like I am here on earth. It’s what I feel like I am to not only the rest of my peers, but everyone else as well. I’m an insect, ot an ameba to the picture which I can’t even see because I can’t manage to allow myself out of the frame. Someone once told me that if in days of sorrow, time will heal every wound. It’s not the time that helps, its what you do in that time that fixes problems. I’ve had what seems like all the time in the world but could never understand how to make things right. I’m so lost in a world so wrapped up in itself I don’t know what to do. I’m scared and I feel alone. I guess my heart is tattooed onto my sleeve.

// Replay//

Hey Tumblr, its been a while. This is what I write when my mind says, “idohwgluskdhgsdglsdgoi!” Cool.

Watch this weak heart as my lungs do inhale,
All of the lies that you’ve showcased for sale 
It seems like a sick joke when you just laugh
And it seems like the present when I think in the past

I’ll relive yesterday with all that I’ve got
And when I’ve gone too far I’m still someone I’m not
All my words are the same so I don’t expect you to feel
Cause’ the numbness in my chest is all that I have left 

Well I’ve lost it all, its all the same
But the feeling I had has gone away

So I’ll try my best to be okay,
If not for me then just for you
But at the end of the day its nothing new

I’ll run my mouth and put on this act
The lack of attention screams, “do you feel that?”
But I won’t lie, I can’t feel and my dreams aren’t real
My pieces are worn and glue can’t feel

So push me and pull me down in the rain
This game in my head keeps me up everyday
I can’t see the end, no matter how hard I try
I grasp for your hand but my palm waves goodbye

Well I’ve lost it all, its all the same
But the feeling I had has gone away

So I’ll try my best to be okay,
If not for me then just for you
But at the end of the day its nothing new

Because at the end of the day, I’ll wave goodbye.

// Guess who’s invisible to the opposite sex?//

yup.

(Source: thetwinthatdied, via powerfulprincess)